I'm so passive aggressive sometimes it's ridiculous.
See, I'm angry. I'm angry that in the world of anencephaly mothers who had to make a heart breaking choice are pariahs. Do you think any of us said "We're going to have a freak of nature of a kid. Let's kill it!!" and had a party? Really? That's just ridiculous.
Let me take you into the ultrasound room that day. I was scared shitless, as the numbers from my quad screening showed a positive hit on NTD's. Joe was sure everything was going to be fine, but I just KNEW that something was wrong. We looked at the screen, and we saw our son. The tech said nothing but point out his features. She went to get the dr., and his countenance fell. He began with 'In the world of NTD's there's spina bifida...." and I heard nothing until he got to "anencephaly". He showed us. I screamed. Joe lied to me. It wasn't fine. 45 minutes of gut wrenching talks and crying. Then we decided that no matter what, this baby wasn't getting an autopsy. No one was going to destroy my child's body. We opted for an amnio.
When the dr. drew back the needle, his already sunken face almost melted off. "Oh no..no, no" are the words that slipped out his mouth. Then he began to explain what he knew already upon visual inspection of the life giving fluid. Turns out that the amniotic fluid consisted of 40% of his blood and mine.
We went home just to talk about what we were going to do. Joe, my husband, and father of my children, deserved to have input too. Were we going to let him choke to death? Were we going to continue carrying this little one and get the other children confused as to what the final outcome would be? Could we continue the pregnancy not knowing?
Induction was hell.
I am tired of the sanctimonious "Oh anencephaly was SUCH a blessing. Oh aren't I a hero" shit. I could get cruel, but I won't sink that low. Mommies that carry to term (well, when they are rooted in reality) go through HELL. Exalting this defect is a form of denial. There's not a realistic mommy out there that Thanks God for anencephaly. We thank God for our children. We thank God for the time we have with them. We curse anencephaly. Without it, we'd have our children.
Ladies, pop a pill. Get a script from your dr. Tell them an anencephaly mom sent you.
Thanks!
Heather
1 comment:
You are so right! I carried to term a anencephalic baby and it was hell. Either way it would have been hell, but no anencephaly is NOT a blessing & anyone who says that is whacked out!I am thankful for my son & the time I was able to spend with him, but given the choice I would have rather him NOT have had anencephaly!! Screw anencephaly. Its not a blessing. Its the reason my son is dead!
((hugs)) I get it and I would think most other mothers who have been through what we have would say the same.
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