And the Journey Continues

This is my oasis in the desert. Here is where I come to be me and release what is stored up.

So this is going to get ugly, but it's my blog, so there!! LOL.

Since we lost Jonah, I've been struggling to reconcile quite a few things.

First, my grief has been ugly, but I've been outright with it. I DON'T understand why mothers are supposed to grieve in private. The minute you take it out of the house, you open yourself to the abuses and ideologies of others. My grief took me to the bounds of hell, and showed me that our society needs a great deal of education. A grieving mother should not grieve in private. She owes it to her child to spread the grief so that others can understand THEIR loss too. This world lost out on two wonderful little boys. I did not choose stillbirth. I did not choose anencephaly. I choose to keep them in the forefront because they did exist, and they have made a difference.

Second, I am not the happy go lucky Heather I once was. No amount of therapy, drugs, or "let's make Heather forget" trips are going to make Heather come back. In the last 5 years I've taken care of my gravely ill mommy, watched her die, gave birth to Reagan, and got pregnant and lost Marshall, and got pregnant and lost Jonah. I can safely say Heather of old is 6 feet under. That's not to say I won't learn to love life again. But no one, and nothing, is going to push me into it.

I have another rant to go on, but I have to figure out the wording. I'm pissed that anencephaly moms are having to watch what we say and how we say it because a zombie like legion is trying to tell us what to say, how to say it, and why we say it. I'm over it. I HATE ANENCEPHALY. It is not now, nor will it ever be, a blessing. I hate it. I will fight until the day I die to wipe it out.
If you want to believe that means I wish I never had Jonah...then you need your head examined. I want to prevent anencephaly, cancer...any of the hell that I've been through. It makes me human. TRY IT.

I never thought I'd say THIS, but I have met the one Christian who would make me high tail it from Christ. And she's held up as an example to humanity.