Cakes shaped like trucks and balloons fill the air
and mothers hold their kids without care
as the sound of laughter surrounds all who are there...
I close my eyes and wish you were here
then I open them and it's just not meant to be.
Tomorrow should be a grand day for all here
instead I'm the one remembering with tears.
We chose the 11th because it follows the tenth
and a birth would be a great way to offset her death!
You didn't make it that far and we had to say goodbye too soon
but that doesn't mean I forgot the cake and balloons.
This day will always be a reminder of what was lost...
our first son who was taken at such a great cost.
So today, as I celebrate what should have been your first
I just want you to know that for you, my soul thirsts.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Anencephaly is the New Cool
I don't get it. I had hardly heard of it before we got our Dx. Now, it seems like it's everywhere. There's a music group with the name. A kid thinks it's funny to blog about an anencephaly baby in his pocket. A mother, instead of taking care of the child she bore, put herself and her child in the limelight then bitches about how others see anencephaly. A young kid tolls forums looking for pictures of "frog" children.
There's nothing to like about anencephaly. It's not glorious. You can't wrap your child's head and pretend your baby is normal. You can't look at a picture of your baby's u/s and make the brain appear. Jonah had a huge protion of his brain missing. He was bleeding into his amniotic sac. We knew that either our baby would die during birth or after. There was no "what if" about it. Buying urns instead of buying bedding. What is so glamorous about that?
I want to turn everyone's attention back to where it should be. Prevention. Just as there are walks to cure breast cancer, campaigns to stop lung cancer...there should be a strong focus on prevention. Folic acid could prevent another mother from suffering this hell. But now I, and others, are being judged because we want to prevent anencephaly. Stupid. When are people going to wake up and realize that there's nothing pretty or glamorous about this?!!!
There's nothing to like about anencephaly. It's not glorious. You can't wrap your child's head and pretend your baby is normal. You can't look at a picture of your baby's u/s and make the brain appear. Jonah had a huge protion of his brain missing. He was bleeding into his amniotic sac. We knew that either our baby would die during birth or after. There was no "what if" about it. Buying urns instead of buying bedding. What is so glamorous about that?
I want to turn everyone's attention back to where it should be. Prevention. Just as there are walks to cure breast cancer, campaigns to stop lung cancer...there should be a strong focus on prevention. Folic acid could prevent another mother from suffering this hell. But now I, and others, are being judged because we want to prevent anencephaly. Stupid. When are people going to wake up and realize that there's nothing pretty or glamorous about this?!!!
And the Journey Continues
This is my oasis in the desert. Here is where I come to be me and release what is stored up.
So this is going to get ugly, but it's my blog, so there!! LOL.
Since we lost Jonah, I've been struggling to reconcile quite a few things.
First, my grief has been ugly, but I've been outright with it. I DON'T understand why mothers are supposed to grieve in private. The minute you take it out of the house, you open yourself to the abuses and ideologies of others. My grief took me to the bounds of hell, and showed me that our society needs a great deal of education. A grieving mother should not grieve in private. She owes it to her child to spread the grief so that others can understand THEIR loss too. This world lost out on two wonderful little boys. I did not choose stillbirth. I did not choose anencephaly. I choose to keep them in the forefront because they did exist, and they have made a difference.
Second, I am not the happy go lucky Heather I once was. No amount of therapy, drugs, or "let's make Heather forget" trips are going to make Heather come back. In the last 5 years I've taken care of my gravely ill mommy, watched her die, gave birth to Reagan, and got pregnant and lost Marshall, and got pregnant and lost Jonah. I can safely say Heather of old is 6 feet under. That's not to say I won't learn to love life again. But no one, and nothing, is going to push me into it.
I have another rant to go on, but I have to figure out the wording. I'm pissed that anencephaly moms are having to watch what we say and how we say it because a zombie like legion is trying to tell us what to say, how to say it, and why we say it. I'm over it. I HATE ANENCEPHALY. It is not now, nor will it ever be, a blessing. I hate it. I will fight until the day I die to wipe it out.
If you want to believe that means I wish I never had Jonah...then you need your head examined. I want to prevent anencephaly, cancer...any of the hell that I've been through. It makes me human. TRY IT.
I never thought I'd say THIS, but I have met the one Christian who would make me high tail it from Christ. And she's held up as an example to humanity.
So this is going to get ugly, but it's my blog, so there!! LOL.
Since we lost Jonah, I've been struggling to reconcile quite a few things.
First, my grief has been ugly, but I've been outright with it. I DON'T understand why mothers are supposed to grieve in private. The minute you take it out of the house, you open yourself to the abuses and ideologies of others. My grief took me to the bounds of hell, and showed me that our society needs a great deal of education. A grieving mother should not grieve in private. She owes it to her child to spread the grief so that others can understand THEIR loss too. This world lost out on two wonderful little boys. I did not choose stillbirth. I did not choose anencephaly. I choose to keep them in the forefront because they did exist, and they have made a difference.
Second, I am not the happy go lucky Heather I once was. No amount of therapy, drugs, or "let's make Heather forget" trips are going to make Heather come back. In the last 5 years I've taken care of my gravely ill mommy, watched her die, gave birth to Reagan, and got pregnant and lost Marshall, and got pregnant and lost Jonah. I can safely say Heather of old is 6 feet under. That's not to say I won't learn to love life again. But no one, and nothing, is going to push me into it.
I have another rant to go on, but I have to figure out the wording. I'm pissed that anencephaly moms are having to watch what we say and how we say it because a zombie like legion is trying to tell us what to say, how to say it, and why we say it. I'm over it. I HATE ANENCEPHALY. It is not now, nor will it ever be, a blessing. I hate it. I will fight until the day I die to wipe it out.
If you want to believe that means I wish I never had Jonah...then you need your head examined. I want to prevent anencephaly, cancer...any of the hell that I've been through. It makes me human. TRY IT.
I never thought I'd say THIS, but I have met the one Christian who would make me high tail it from Christ. And she's held up as an example to humanity.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Just rambling
So it's almost two months since we held Jonah, and I'm not sure if I'm any better now than I was that day. I'm going to start therapy this week...I'm going to give it a shot.
The girls are having a boring summer so far, but that's ok. They'll have fun when I get out of summer school. I am going to take them to NC, and we will be getting to do other stuff before we go back.
We will start ttc in August, and I'm a bit nervous, but anxious to finally get another take home baby. Maybe a boy?!
The girls are having a boring summer so far, but that's ok. They'll have fun when I get out of summer school. I am going to take them to NC, and we will be getting to do other stuff before we go back.
We will start ttc in August, and I'm a bit nervous, but anxious to finally get another take home baby. Maybe a boy?!
Monday, June 1, 2009
I'm So sorry, Jonah
An heavenly angel came down and wrapped you in his arms.
It took no convincing: the gold and hymns are just part of their charms.
I can't blame you if you blamed me for your end.
It must have been hard and hurt -- the pain I couldn't mend.
Your mommy should have kept you safe and protected you from harm
but all I knew to do was let you fall into the angel's golden charm.
I'm sorry, Jonah. I hope it didn't hurt. I never wanted to hurt you.
It took no convincing: the gold and hymns are just part of their charms.
I can't blame you if you blamed me for your end.
It must have been hard and hurt -- the pain I couldn't mend.
Your mommy should have kept you safe and protected you from harm
but all I knew to do was let you fall into the angel's golden charm.
I'm sorry, Jonah. I hope it didn't hurt. I never wanted to hurt you.
Update
It's been a while since I've updated this thing. It's going to change in purpose and tone. Joe and I conceived and lost another child...this time to anencephaly. We chose to induce, and on April 26, 2009 we delivered Jonah Michael, one of the most beautiful babies I have ever had the pleasure of seeing.
Since then, we've been attacked online and personally for our choice of induction. We don't need to explain WHY we chose what we did, but we are going to stand up for the right of parents to choose a graceful end for their children. Anencephaly is 100% fatal. Jonah's blood was in my amniotic fluid...his heartrate was slowing. With the support of the Catholic church we induced and bore our son.
I am posting his pictures. Do not leave comments if you don't like them. I don't care. I'm finding adults who don't have a problem watching horror movies call our babies names. Hypocrits in my book.
Without further ado, Jonah Michael.
Since then, we've been attacked online and personally for our choice of induction. We don't need to explain WHY we chose what we did, but we are going to stand up for the right of parents to choose a graceful end for their children. Anencephaly is 100% fatal. Jonah's blood was in my amniotic fluid...his heartrate was slowing. With the support of the Catholic church we induced and bore our son.
I am posting his pictures. Do not leave comments if you don't like them. I don't care. I'm finding adults who don't have a problem watching horror movies call our babies names. Hypocrits in my book.
Without further ado, Jonah Michael.
It's Heather!
Hi! Im Here! The Heather you want to see
I'll smile, work, and clean and be who you need me to be.
But when you ask me how I am the answer will be fake
because the real answer is going to be hard for you to take.
You want me to be fine and the truth is I never will be.
I am without my sons and that means a part of me will never be.
I hate to be around people because I feel out of place.
But being alone is very scary because my demons I have to face.
So when you tell me you want me to be fine
take a moment and decide what that is. Define.
The old Heather has died and now I am here.
And sometimes you'll have to understand it's you I just can't be near
I'll smile, work, and clean and be who you need me to be.
But when you ask me how I am the answer will be fake
because the real answer is going to be hard for you to take.
You want me to be fine and the truth is I never will be.
I am without my sons and that means a part of me will never be.
I hate to be around people because I feel out of place.
But being alone is very scary because my demons I have to face.
So when you tell me you want me to be fine
take a moment and decide what that is. Define.
The old Heather has died and now I am here.
And sometimes you'll have to understand it's you I just can't be near
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