So it's almost two months since we held Jonah, and I'm not sure if I'm any better now than I was that day. I'm going to start therapy this week...I'm going to give it a shot.
The girls are having a boring summer so far, but that's ok. They'll have fun when I get out of summer school. I am going to take them to NC, and we will be getting to do other stuff before we go back.
We will start ttc in August, and I'm a bit nervous, but anxious to finally get another take home baby. Maybe a boy?!
Monday, June 22, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
I'm So sorry, Jonah
An heavenly angel came down and wrapped you in his arms.
It took no convincing: the gold and hymns are just part of their charms.
I can't blame you if you blamed me for your end.
It must have been hard and hurt -- the pain I couldn't mend.
Your mommy should have kept you safe and protected you from harm
but all I knew to do was let you fall into the angel's golden charm.
I'm sorry, Jonah. I hope it didn't hurt. I never wanted to hurt you.
It took no convincing: the gold and hymns are just part of their charms.
I can't blame you if you blamed me for your end.
It must have been hard and hurt -- the pain I couldn't mend.
Your mommy should have kept you safe and protected you from harm
but all I knew to do was let you fall into the angel's golden charm.
I'm sorry, Jonah. I hope it didn't hurt. I never wanted to hurt you.
Update
It's been a while since I've updated this thing. It's going to change in purpose and tone. Joe and I conceived and lost another child...this time to anencephaly. We chose to induce, and on April 26, 2009 we delivered Jonah Michael, one of the most beautiful babies I have ever had the pleasure of seeing.
Since then, we've been attacked online and personally for our choice of induction. We don't need to explain WHY we chose what we did, but we are going to stand up for the right of parents to choose a graceful end for their children. Anencephaly is 100% fatal. Jonah's blood was in my amniotic fluid...his heartrate was slowing. With the support of the Catholic church we induced and bore our son.
I am posting his pictures. Do not leave comments if you don't like them. I don't care. I'm finding adults who don't have a problem watching horror movies call our babies names. Hypocrits in my book.
Without further ado, Jonah Michael.
Since then, we've been attacked online and personally for our choice of induction. We don't need to explain WHY we chose what we did, but we are going to stand up for the right of parents to choose a graceful end for their children. Anencephaly is 100% fatal. Jonah's blood was in my amniotic fluid...his heartrate was slowing. With the support of the Catholic church we induced and bore our son.
I am posting his pictures. Do not leave comments if you don't like them. I don't care. I'm finding adults who don't have a problem watching horror movies call our babies names. Hypocrits in my book.
Without further ado, Jonah Michael.
It's Heather!
Hi! Im Here! The Heather you want to see
I'll smile, work, and clean and be who you need me to be.
But when you ask me how I am the answer will be fake
because the real answer is going to be hard for you to take.
You want me to be fine and the truth is I never will be.
I am without my sons and that means a part of me will never be.
I hate to be around people because I feel out of place.
But being alone is very scary because my demons I have to face.
So when you tell me you want me to be fine
take a moment and decide what that is. Define.
The old Heather has died and now I am here.
And sometimes you'll have to understand it's you I just can't be near
I'll smile, work, and clean and be who you need me to be.
But when you ask me how I am the answer will be fake
because the real answer is going to be hard for you to take.
You want me to be fine and the truth is I never will be.
I am without my sons and that means a part of me will never be.
I hate to be around people because I feel out of place.
But being alone is very scary because my demons I have to face.
So when you tell me you want me to be fine
take a moment and decide what that is. Define.
The old Heather has died and now I am here.
And sometimes you'll have to understand it's you I just can't be near
Friday, July 11, 2008
Arranging Memories
I reaaranged my son's shelves today and found myself smiling away.
You see, a mother is happiest when for her child's entrance she makes way.
My son will never be admired by strangers on the street
but he certainly has touched the lives of those his mother meets.
He has a few blankets; each one with their own story.
He has a bracelet rosary and a newborn one that's holy.
He has two memory boxes made with love that are painted by hand.
"Why do you keep them?" is the question asked by those not blessed enough to understand.
He never needed the prayer books or the pins for other angels.
He had no need for the poems written by perfectly angelic strangers.
You see, his needs were already met on that fateful day.
God took him home and made sure he was safe and out of harm's way.
But each little memento validates that he was here.
He was alive and he mattered! There's a reason for my tears.
So as I fixed his little things and remembered holding him close,
I realized that I was lucky it was Marshall that God chose.
We always find a little token on our family trips...a little charm;
a blue bunny, some soft toys; buying them does no harm.
They let my husband and I know that we did in fact have a son
and one day we'll see him sitting in the lap of the Blessed Son.
You see, a mother is happiest when for her child's entrance she makes way.
My son will never be admired by strangers on the street
but he certainly has touched the lives of those his mother meets.
He has a few blankets; each one with their own story.
He has a bracelet rosary and a newborn one that's holy.
He has two memory boxes made with love that are painted by hand.
"Why do you keep them?" is the question asked by those not blessed enough to understand.
He never needed the prayer books or the pins for other angels.
He had no need for the poems written by perfectly angelic strangers.
You see, his needs were already met on that fateful day.
God took him home and made sure he was safe and out of harm's way.
But each little memento validates that he was here.
He was alive and he mattered! There's a reason for my tears.
So as I fixed his little things and remembered holding him close,
I realized that I was lucky it was Marshall that God chose.
We always find a little token on our family trips...a little charm;
a blue bunny, some soft toys; buying them does no harm.
They let my husband and I know that we did in fact have a son
and one day we'll see him sitting in the lap of the Blessed Son.
Twisted Turn of Events
I can’t really tell anyone how my life has changed…
Mom died and my father’s personality was rearranged.
I can’t imagine the pain of losing your partner of 35 years
but his actions have caused me more than my fair share of tears.
I used to be his little girl and I could do no wrong.
But now he doesn’t even smile at me… in this family I don’t belong.
He yells at me and snarls and growls and I just don’t understand
why I’ll never feel a parent’s gentle and loving hands.
I don’t keep house like my Mom...I work outside my home.
I wake up at 5 and have three kids to dress and feed and comb.
I work all day and come home to finish their daily lessons and chores…
because of my students I come home battered and more than a little sore.
I don’t cow tow to his wishes and demands because I just don’t see the need.
I have my own life and family to care for. But his hatred brings me to my knees.
My children see it every day and beg him not to use the “I hate Heather” voice…
we need to leave...but I promised Mom so now I have no choice.
It makes me sad to think that one day he held me tight
and would sing to us each day his choral “Good night”.
Maybe when I see him with my dear Mother again
he’ll understand that my heart also needs to mend.
And so, I wake up everyday and dread the other side of the door
because I know the night’s end brings yet another day more.
So if I seek male approval do not be surprised or shocked.
It’s because from my father’s heart I am forever blocked and locked.
Mom died and my father’s personality was rearranged.
I can’t imagine the pain of losing your partner of 35 years
but his actions have caused me more than my fair share of tears.
I used to be his little girl and I could do no wrong.
But now he doesn’t even smile at me… in this family I don’t belong.
He yells at me and snarls and growls and I just don’t understand
why I’ll never feel a parent’s gentle and loving hands.
I don’t keep house like my Mom...I work outside my home.
I wake up at 5 and have three kids to dress and feed and comb.
I work all day and come home to finish their daily lessons and chores…
because of my students I come home battered and more than a little sore.
I don’t cow tow to his wishes and demands because I just don’t see the need.
I have my own life and family to care for. But his hatred brings me to my knees.
My children see it every day and beg him not to use the “I hate Heather” voice…
we need to leave...but I promised Mom so now I have no choice.
It makes me sad to think that one day he held me tight
and would sing to us each day his choral “Good night”.
Maybe when I see him with my dear Mother again
he’ll understand that my heart also needs to mend.
And so, I wake up everyday and dread the other side of the door
because I know the night’s end brings yet another day more.
So if I seek male approval do not be surprised or shocked.
It’s because from my father’s heart I am forever blocked and locked.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Why I love him
There are things my husband can do that none other dare...
he listens to me, and rather than pretend...he actually cares.
The only time he broke my heart was because he thought it best;
he wanted me to reach my goals and didn't know I needed to rest.
He tries to understand my need to be friends with those from my past
even if he gets upset that they might have inflicted pain that did last.
He's glad that I have reconnected with the island part of me
even if it means an adjustment to the way things used to be.
He wouldn't understand what I've done and why it had nothing to do with him
so I have to deal with this crap and around him...hold it in.
I want to share with my best friend that I've lost another friend
but he'd try to tell me those bridges I could mend.
he listens to me, and rather than pretend...he actually cares.
The only time he broke my heart was because he thought it best;
he wanted me to reach my goals and didn't know I needed to rest.
He tries to understand my need to be friends with those from my past
even if he gets upset that they might have inflicted pain that did last.
He's glad that I have reconnected with the island part of me
even if it means an adjustment to the way things used to be.
He wouldn't understand what I've done and why it had nothing to do with him
so I have to deal with this crap and around him...hold it in.
I want to share with my best friend that I've lost another friend
but he'd try to tell me those bridges I could mend.
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