My emotions are everywhere, and it's driving me nuts. I have enjoyed my time at home because I'm safe...away from social pressures and demands to be more than what I am right now...a happy, grieving, in love, tired, exhausted mommy.
I'm so excited because a dear friend just got a bfp, and I just know that she'll be bringing home her baby. She has lost three sons, and my heart is in my throat just waiting for the all ok from her.
I'm also sad because it shouldn't be me any more. I have found several clinics that do tubal reversals, and if I can get fate to cooperate, it shouldn't take more than a year to save up for it. I don't necessarily want another baby (yeah, right), but I do want to be free from the symptoms after the tubal.
Anyway...just rambling :)
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
A message for my friends
I wrote this when I was planning his funeral. As it turned out, I didn't have the strength to share, and my family didn't care to come to his funeral (turns out my family seems to think you need a brain to be a human and deserve a funeral. Who knew?).
You've all kindly gathered to help us celebrate..
Our little Jonah is our Saint standing at Heaven's gate.
But what you don't or can't know is why is worth it.
How could you know? His zel and energy was our little secret.
I knew he was here long before the test told us...
dreams of Marshall's brother were placed in my trust.
We held out breaths and praised God when Finally it was true!
Another baby was coming and we wondered...pink or blue?
The fateful day came when the dr. called and warned us...
we were sent back down to the hellish place where in drs. you had to trust.
Your baby has no brain and the fluid is failing him
Chosse grace in his death or a horrific end.
Which one will you choose?
Our saint was born after three days of a Mother's True Labor
And soon, we saw that upon us God placed his truest favor.
Jonah has the most peaceful face...reflecting God's grace.
I could describe him using every word I know,
but still you wouldn't know our son the way we love him so.
He wasn't a thing, another mistake, or a note from God to stop.
He is our saint sent to us to remind us of God's love.
Please be kind to my family and remember we love him so.
Our Jonah Michael, brother of four and son of two lost souls.
You've all kindly gathered to help us celebrate..
Our little Jonah is our Saint standing at Heaven's gate.
But what you don't or can't know is why is worth it.
How could you know? His zel and energy was our little secret.
I knew he was here long before the test told us...
dreams of Marshall's brother were placed in my trust.
We held out breaths and praised God when Finally it was true!
Another baby was coming and we wondered...pink or blue?
The fateful day came when the dr. called and warned us...
we were sent back down to the hellish place where in drs. you had to trust.
Your baby has no brain and the fluid is failing him
Chosse grace in his death or a horrific end.
Which one will you choose?
Our saint was born after three days of a Mother's True Labor
And soon, we saw that upon us God placed his truest favor.
Jonah has the most peaceful face...reflecting God's grace.
I could describe him using every word I know,
but still you wouldn't know our son the way we love him so.
He wasn't a thing, another mistake, or a note from God to stop.
He is our saint sent to us to remind us of God's love.
Please be kind to my family and remember we love him so.
Our Jonah Michael, brother of four and son of two lost souls.
One step forward...
Thank you for the well wishes about Hannah :) We are over the moon with her. She's just such an awesome addition to our family!
I'm feeling rough still, and it's mighty frustrating. We are going to go to the drs. and find out what the deal is, and what can be done about it. I know that mourning is a part of dealing with a tubal, but this is ridiculous. I've already started my period, and I'm exclusively breast feeding. It's a very painful and messy period to boot. I'm not doing this until I go through menopause. No way.
I have been packing and moving things around, and came across a notebook that has some poems I wrote after losing Jonah. I'm going to share them as soon as Hannah lets me :)
I'm feeling rough still, and it's mighty frustrating. We are going to go to the drs. and find out what the deal is, and what can be done about it. I know that mourning is a part of dealing with a tubal, but this is ridiculous. I've already started my period, and I'm exclusively breast feeding. It's a very painful and messy period to boot. I'm not doing this until I go through menopause. No way.
I have been packing and moving things around, and came across a notebook that has some poems I wrote after losing Jonah. I'm going to share them as soon as Hannah lets me :)
Friday, September 3, 2010
She's here
Hannah Elizabeth Grace was born a week ago :) She's beautiful, healthy, and here!
I went to my 36/6 appt feeling miserable, and the dr. said that was it. It was baby day the next day. So we freaked, made arrangements, and started our adventure.
We began in triage in a room that was about 30 degrees below zero. I laughed at Joe for hours as he bundled up trying to stay warm. We live in Florida and he was bundled up in August. LOL.
Ah. Well, it took longer than they thought to get me to pre op. We finally got there at 12:30 August 26th. We ran into the dr. that delivered Summer and Emma, and he spent time with us. That was awesome! Finally anesthesia came in, and he decided to give me an epidural rather than a spinal. My blood pressure dropped dramatically, making me really ill. He's get it up, I'd get sick, it'd go back down, I'd get sick. Finally it stabilized and I was wheeled into the OR. I began throwing up again (nerves, I guess) so he gave me a relaxer. I slept through most of the birth... :) I remember her being born and Joe showing her to me. Then we went to post op WITH THE BABY!! (for the first time).
Anyway, she was born at 3:20 in the morning, weighing 5 pounds 10 ounces, and measuring 18 inches. She is jaundiced, and is slow to regain her weight. But she's feisty and loving and funny, and we love her dearly.
I'm doing ok. Nope. Not true. I am NOT ok. I have the blues because I'm regretting the tubal. Is it that I want another baby? I don't think so. But I'll never have that little boy running around. BUT a dear friend made a point...I will NEVER feel complete because I know that two children are missing. Maybe I just need to work through all of these feelings.
I am physically sore. My uterus has considerable scarring, and you can feel it right above my pubic bone. I can also feel my tubal ligation, and that sucks. But part of me knows the tubal was the right thing to do...my body couldn't take another pregnancy...or could it? I will talk to the dr. some more about a reversal, but she was afraid that the scarring would be too much to sustain a pregnancy. Not to mention the cost of reversing it, my age, risks to another baby, etc.
I made the right choice...I know I did.
So why do I feel this way? Why do I feel alone and sad while I also feel happy and over the moon?
I went to my 36/6 appt feeling miserable, and the dr. said that was it. It was baby day the next day. So we freaked, made arrangements, and started our adventure.
We began in triage in a room that was about 30 degrees below zero. I laughed at Joe for hours as he bundled up trying to stay warm. We live in Florida and he was bundled up in August. LOL.
Ah. Well, it took longer than they thought to get me to pre op. We finally got there at 12:30 August 26th. We ran into the dr. that delivered Summer and Emma, and he spent time with us. That was awesome! Finally anesthesia came in, and he decided to give me an epidural rather than a spinal. My blood pressure dropped dramatically, making me really ill. He's get it up, I'd get sick, it'd go back down, I'd get sick. Finally it stabilized and I was wheeled into the OR. I began throwing up again (nerves, I guess) so he gave me a relaxer. I slept through most of the birth... :) I remember her being born and Joe showing her to me. Then we went to post op WITH THE BABY!! (for the first time).
Anyway, she was born at 3:20 in the morning, weighing 5 pounds 10 ounces, and measuring 18 inches. She is jaundiced, and is slow to regain her weight. But she's feisty and loving and funny, and we love her dearly.
I'm doing ok. Nope. Not true. I am NOT ok. I have the blues because I'm regretting the tubal. Is it that I want another baby? I don't think so. But I'll never have that little boy running around. BUT a dear friend made a point...I will NEVER feel complete because I know that two children are missing. Maybe I just need to work through all of these feelings.
I am physically sore. My uterus has considerable scarring, and you can feel it right above my pubic bone. I can also feel my tubal ligation, and that sucks. But part of me knows the tubal was the right thing to do...my body couldn't take another pregnancy...or could it? I will talk to the dr. some more about a reversal, but she was afraid that the scarring would be too much to sustain a pregnancy. Not to mention the cost of reversing it, my age, risks to another baby, etc.
I made the right choice...I know I did.
So why do I feel this way? Why do I feel alone and sad while I also feel happy and over the moon?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)