Arranging Memories

I reaaranged my son's shelves today and found myself smiling away.
You see, a mother is happiest when for her child's entrance she makes way.
My son will never be admired by strangers on the street
but he certainly has touched the lives of those his mother meets.

He has a few blankets; each one with their own story.
He has a bracelet rosary and a newborn one that's holy.
He has two memory boxes made with love that are painted by hand.
"Why do you keep them?" is the question asked by those not blessed enough to understand.

He never needed the prayer books or the pins for other angels.
He had no need for the poems written by perfectly angelic strangers.
You see, his needs were already met on that fateful day.
God took him home and made sure he was safe and out of harm's way.

But each little memento validates that he was here.
He was alive and he mattered! There's a reason for my tears.
So as I fixed his little things and remembered holding him close,
I realized that I was lucky it was Marshall that God chose.

We always find a little token on our family trips...a little charm;
a blue bunny, some soft toys; buying them does no harm.
They let my husband and I know that we did in fact have a son
and one day we'll see him sitting in the lap of the Blessed Son.

Twisted Turn of Events

I can’t really tell anyone how my life has changed…
Mom died and my father’s personality was rearranged.
I can’t imagine the pain of losing your partner of 35 years
but his actions have caused me more than my fair share of tears.

I used to be his little girl and I could do no wrong.
But now he doesn’t even smile at me… in this family I don’t belong.
He yells at me and snarls and growls and I just don’t understand
why I’ll never feel a parent’s gentle and loving hands.

I don’t keep house like my Mom...I work outside my home.
I wake up at 5 and have three kids to dress and feed and comb.
I work all day and come home to finish their daily lessons and chores…
because of my students I come home battered and more than a little sore.

I don’t cow tow to his wishes and demands because I just don’t see the need.
I have my own life and family to care for. But his hatred brings me to my knees.
My children see it every day and beg him not to use the “I hate Heather” voice…
we need to leave...but I promised Mom so now I have no choice.

It makes me sad to think that one day he held me tight
and would sing to us each day his choral “Good night”.
Maybe when I see him with my dear Mother again
he’ll understand that my heart also needs to mend.

And so, I wake up everyday and dread the other side of the door
because I know the night’s end brings yet another day more.
So if I seek male approval do not be surprised or shocked.
It’s because from my father’s heart I am forever blocked and locked.

Why I love him

There are things my husband can do that none other dare...
he listens to me, and rather than pretend...he actually cares.
The only time he broke my heart was because he thought it best;
he wanted me to reach my goals and didn't know I needed to rest.

He tries to understand my need to be friends with those from my past
even if he gets upset that they might have inflicted pain that did last.
He's glad that I have reconnected with the island part of me
even if it means an adjustment to the way things used to be.

He wouldn't understand what I've done and why it had nothing to do with him
so I have to deal with this crap and around him...hold it in.
I want to share with my best friend that I've lost another friend
but he'd try to tell me those bridges I could mend.

She Opens Up Her Eyes

She opens up her eyes and smiles - this littlest girl of mine.
You see the possibilities as the sun wakes up her mind.
"Good morning, Mommy" are the first words of each and every day
and I think everyone would rock if every day started this way.

Good Bye

I knew that it would end but I never imagined it this way.
I didn’t think that your words would bring such utter pain.
But here I sit, trying to figure out how to make a friendship work
when I want to package all this up and give you back the hurt.

I will never understand how men can think the way they do…
no matter what happened I thought that feelings were true.
But apparently they weren’t because it seemed too easy for you…
I know it was only easy because there is someone new.

It sucks to know I’m not needed, or wanted, for that matter
and then to know that you didn’t think my heart would shatter.
I suppose it’s all my fault for thinking my heart you would guard…
but that’s my job..and I failed..it was way too hard.

So I am doing what I know best to do
I’ll bow out and bid you a very fond “see you”.
Just remember you are meant for far greater things
and I hope that you know fondly of you I’ll think.

TTCAL

Sex after a loss is the most complex issue we have faced;
of course there's built in pleasure, but there's a task that must take place.
No pressure, of course, but are there two pink lines?
Are we going to have a new babe when the months number nine?

There's pleasure in the act when no ovulating occurs...
making love is so much fun...not a chore to endure.
But when that egg is going to drop the pressure is on!
Time it right and the prize is a cycle that is gone!!

Then there are those that feel you are trying to replace!
But really, that's not possible; to suggest so is a disgrace.
An empty belly longs to be filled; empty arms crave a baby...
Did we do it this month? Well...maybe.

On a mission

I'm going on a mission and I don't know when it will end
but I know my frazzled brain and broken heart I must mend.
I feel like a teenager who's had her heart broken;
it's been handed to me as if it's a mere token.

So, I'm gonna spend some time writing up a storm
and maybe that sense of peace will become my norm.
I've lost a great friend and I don't know if he'll come back;
my son is gone, so is my Mom and I feel under attack.

So, it's time to heal this broken soul and put it back together
and hopefully when I come back to my family it will be tethered.
I'll pop on in and say hello and greet my dearest friends
and one day I'll be back when my alienation has ended.

I'll be popping in here and writing...a lot. If you care to leave a comment, please do. They mean the world to me.