Honesty

How honest are you in your day to day life?
Do you paint a smile on or do you share your strife?
What do you think of those that are willing to share?
Really, most just want someone to relate or care.

Do you take the time to listen to a friend in need?
Would you stop to help their soul when it bleeds?
When you tell someone you care, is it for that moment?
Or do you take their problems with you and for them lament?

Perhaps that's why I can only handle so many friends at a time.
I take their issues with me and almost turn them into mine.
I have faith that my friends feel the same, but that faith is fading.
Marshall's been gone for less than three months, but by my side, few are waiting.

Maybe I need to stop caring and become heartless and myred in my own gruel.
But that would make me like them, and I am not that cruel.
So, I'll continue to write and take my angst out in words
become sometimes I just don't understand the people in this world.

Summer

This has been the hardest to write ... a poem about my Summer.
She's my first born daughter and there can be no doubt I love her.
Her story is only 8 years long now but already it's fuller than most.
She's beautiful inside and out and we really don't mind it...we'll boast!!

I remember the day we found out she was coming into this world.
The tech said "She's all girl" and I looked at Joe and he almost hurled!!
It's a girl! Daddy's little girl! She was coming in September!
This was really going to be a day that everyone would remember!
(She was due on Labor Day...'nuff said).

Her birth was average...15 hours of relaxing and then pushing.
But when she was born the doctors and nurses lookes oh, so white and ashen.
She was rushed to NICU where she stayed until she was diagnosed.
Her heart was broken..it'd need repairs...her holes would have to be closed.

December 12, 1999. Imagine if you will...a family of three gathered together
and saying goodbye to each other.
Joe and I held our baby and cried until we were sick...
tomorrow she'd go in for her surgery and we hoped her heart would still tick.
(Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" was our song and to her we sang.
We told her it was ok to let go. We would be the ones to hang on).

She made it through open heart surgery and for days she would lie
we were afraid to hurt her more; the tubes made it hard for her to cry.
Alone in that room with machines beeping, I looked at my dearest one.
And I promised her the moon and the stars if she would just hang on.

Flash forward a few years: This baby had grown up and she was Grammy's little pal!
Grammy took her everywhere and Mom knew she was quite a gal.
To this day there's something about her that reminds me of my Mother.
She can only be compared to her; to me there are none other.

Summer's 8 years old now and she's a pretty young lady...
hair of gold and legs that go on forever...but she'll always be my baby.
She's mostly a great big sister and a pretty good daughter;
I wonder what life holds for here on after?

Where's the Joy?

Why is it that my poems have a darker tone?
It's not like I am miserable and feel always all alone!
Why can't I write about things that make me smile?
I know my life's not always so vile.

The truth is that right now I just can't see
that life isn't always the way it seems to be.
One day the sun will shine again!
It does everytime Reagan gives a grin.

I have to hold on to moments like those
because I just can't see past the end of my nose.
When I'm alone with a pen and paper all else fades
and the pain I finally evade.

Consequences of Grief

Things have changed since that day Mom left
and I am waiting for the wave of change to crest.
Just when I think we've reached the top
the undertow pulls and again...it just won't stop.

I used to be his little girl -- the one with freckles and all the curls.
Now he looks at me with disgust; his lips in a permanent snarl.
It's not just me; others see it too. It doesn't matter what I do.
I work full time, care for three kids, and mourn the fourth...my life is a zoo.

Mom used to be the buffer and back him off of me
but now she's not here and his wrath is directed at me.
It really hurts at times and I feel the ultimate rejection;
let's face it...I just don't have a familial connection.

My sisters tried to TELL me what and how to feel those days
like I didn't know Mom better than they did..I was there in ALL ways.
So that didn't help; then they rejected my little boy
and now they want to make merry and pretend to have family joy?

You just can't understand until this happens to you.
Look in the mirror and realize no blood loves you.
You question your looks, your actions, your speech
and then realize these aren't lessons you want to teach.

So, I have to rebuild and become someone new.
Heather has died; I just don't know what to do.
I'm tired of feeling sad.

Grief

Quietly
quickly
consuming
rising
agonizing
monopolizing
My soul retreats.

God's Hand Touches
Friends Respond
Dreams Come...
then

My soul emerges.
Rationalizing
forgiving
inspiring
desiring

A sudden trigger:
pregnant belly
mother/daughter
baby boy clothes
his urn calls
and it begins again.

Ditto

It started off as a joke after our first real date,
and here it is 16 years later and it can STILL aggravate.
The word "Ditto" is a cop out that turned into something else...
in fact it means something much more intense.

It knocks the breath from my chest when I hear your voice
and then you say the one word that makes all else turn to noise.
It doesn't mean I luv you or even that you're liked.
It means that our feelings will last throughout our entire life.

Ummm...I have no title for this one

My emotions define me; I wear them on my sleeve.
And sometimes they cause wonderful people to leave.
But that's ok because it's who I am
and in the end I am part of God's Master Plan.

Distance and Time

It's amazing to think that I love so many who are far away...
it's a metaphor for my life; I like to keep people at bay.
But I think I have had enough of being all alone.
Sometimes a girl needs more to hold that just a telephone.

My family and I have gone through hell and back.
First the storms, then my Mom, and now, Marshall's gone.
Summer's heart needed repairs, and Emma's brain is funky.
I just thought not having me as a friend would make everyone lucky.

Now I have reached the point where I see the gifts I have.
I really think I have a lot to share -- both tears and laughs.
But I no longer want to change who I am to be accepted.
Take me or leave me; I don't care. True friends wouldn't reject me.

I want to go to Puerto Rico and experience all its joys
and see where I grew up and played with bikes and my toys.
Virginia is for lovers; but it's also the home to friends
and I really want to see them and let those friendships mend.

Then there's Miami, home to one of the dearest women I know.
We grew up so close to each other; seeing her would be like going home.
Ultimately I'd like to end up in New York City
where I'll learn about the neighborhoods and visit his kitties.

Yes, I think I am through keeping life an arm's length away.
It's time to start enjoying life and taking the time to play.
So I'll start building my list and visit my dearest friends
because it's time for my soul to heal and attention to myself lend.

My First Love

I'd like to share a story with those that don't know this part of me.
It's about my first love and how it came to be.
It started out as a car chase and ended up in a parking lot
and we dared them to show up the next day; they called our meager bluff.

The moment that I saw him I felt an instant electric shock
and it happened again the second our eyes locked.
I remember what he was wearing and the sound of his nervous laugh.
The smell of that cologne will instantly take me back!

We really didn't think they'd show, but much to our dismay
they were inside and waiting on us on that cold February day.
We drove to the beach and along the way my friend said to me
"You're already lost in his eyes". I said "Maybe. We'll see".

Needless to say she was right and I was instantly hooked!
My lips were sore and my body ached for this man I adored.
Then one day his orders came and the relationship was over.
My heart was broken and it'd take years to heal the wound over.

A few years later we met up and together became one.
There are no regrets that we did; our time had finally come.
I remember those times with fondness and I thank God above
that he sent me a wonderful gentleman to be my first love.

Please Watch This...

I am not one for passing along stuff, but you know what? This needs to be said.

http://s259.photobucket.com/albums/hh289/Impish_Dragon/?action=view&current=Untitled.flv

Gatlinburg

I'll never forget seeing your face on the other side of the door.
You were close enough to touch (we did that and more).
I didn't want to ever forget the way you felt and smelled
because one day again we'd part; but for now our bodies did meld.

So many years of waiting were coming to a head
and it culminated in several hours cuddled in that hotel bed.
I didn't want it all to end but I knew eventually it would
and we parted; even now it hurts more than it should.



Sixteen years. Sixteen years of us. Wow. Well, here's to the next 16.

The Puzzle

The pieces of the puzzle are falling into place;
I feel her arms around me like a heavenly embrace.
My friends from my distant past and days gone by
are reunited in one place; I've had to stop and cry.

Each person on that list has a piece of my heart...
now that they are together, I feel like a piece of art.
Mom worked so hard to make sure that I felt complete
and that to my inner despair I did not retreat.

But you have to experience the valleys to enjoy the view from the top.
And now I am ready to climb up there; this pain has to stop.
But I look down below now, and I see each one lined up
and I'll never again be that low; they won't let me get stuck.

Losing my son has shown me that I have a lot to share;
and I can't wait to show what I've learned with friends who care.

Precious Words

I haven't spoken to her in so many years.
But today she touched me and turned on my tears.
This gentle voice from my past spoke to my soul
and helped me realize that indeed I have worth.

"A kind and courageous spirit" are the words she wrote to me.
I was stunned and shocked that that could even be.
She sees that because we were closer than sisters at times
and kindred spirits are inseperable across time and miles.

If only she knew that my insecurities still define me;
but perhaps she already knows that and still accepts me.
What a friend! I know my mom has something to do with this
because those words were divinely inspired when they left her fingertips.

So tonight I'll sleep and thank God for friends that are true.
I'll remember those times when it was just me and you.
We giggled and we laughed, cried and we fought
And now we can have another chance at this golden friendship pot.

I love you, Ileana. I am SO blessed to have you back in my life.

I flunked a test

Many women celebrate when the line doesn't come across;
but all it did was renew the pain of my loss.
I'm not pregnant so that means that glass of wine I'll enjoy
then think sadly about the day I lost my little boy.

It's Late

I'm trying not to say a word or even give it a thought
because I am going to get let down; even more than I ought.
But she's late! She hasn't arrived! She has not shown her face!
I know we didn't but it's nice to think we are keeping her at bay.

When she comes I'll be let down and fool myself into believing
that one days she won't come and an end will come to my grieving.
But while she's not here I'll sit and obsess and daydream
about the day I POAS and get my BFP.

Flaws

Loving someone doesn't mean loving despite flaws.
It means you love them because of flaws -- big and small.
No one is perfect, and some are more willing to admit theirs first
because they are afraid that their image bubble will burst.

I put mine on my sleeve and admit them to only few
but when those few run away; well, it's time for another view.
Who am I and why am I not worth getting to know?
I'm not that bad! At least, I don't think so.

But I do have a flaw I'd like to kick to the curb.
I find it necessary to apologize for every want and urge.
But the problem is I'm tired of stating what I need
and getting knocked back down to my knees.

A New Day

It's a new day and so far it's been pretty great!
The kids woke up on time and I wasn't late!
But now I have to start working, and my day's going downhill
because I'm actually going to have to work; no more time to kill!

It's time to say goodbye to some of my kids
and get ready for the new set that will make me flip my lid!
So throw your hands up in the air and sway from side to side!
It's the last day of school; I'll watch them leave with pride!

WHY CAN'T I HAVE ONE DAY??????

Why can't I have a day where no tears need to fall?
What can't I have a day when I can clearly hear His call?
I am trying to do the right thing and clear the air before its stale
but I feel like a whipped dog running with a tucked tail.

My father treats me like he used to treat my dear mother.
He's used to a house that's orderly and neat and I'd like it too if I had my druthers.
But I have three girls and a full time job - when do you want me to clean?
Oh, I get it! I could just NOT sleep.

I screwed up a friendship with a friend who was true
all because I had thoughts; he didn't have them too.
I can't flipping breathe its hurting me so
and I really am lost, I just don't know.

So right now I'm sitting here trying to hold my tears back
and all the while my nerves are shot; it's them I really lack.
So let me close this up by saying I hope this finds you better
because right now I am feeling a little under the weather.

Emma

Emma Claire was born on September 15 of 2001 -
four days after the world was changed and the damage was done.
The first plane hit; news broke out and labor started.
My baby would come when so many from their families parted.

She was a tiny little babe, slightly over four pounds!
But she had the sweetest little cheeks and her head -- so round!
My little peanut was a reminder that in those dark days
God was showing his mercies-- he had his ways.

Today I'll prepare to watch her graduate to first
and I know that in tears I will burst.
My little peanut isn't so little anymore - I've got to let go
because she's growing up...where did the time go?

Unless you've been in my shoes you'll never know how I feel
about my Emma Claire. Her hair is golden with hints of red..yep the curls are real!
Her freckles frame her beautiful face and you'll instantly fall
for her beautiful smile and her voice when for you she calls.

She's named after Emma (both) and Clery and Clarie
and when I pause, it's Mom's face I see clearly
when I announced what her name would be.
There was no other name that would suit our littlle bean.

Tonight I'll watch with pride as my little peanut takes Father's hand
and takes her little diploma - the first of many to be in her hand.
I'll cry inside as I remember the day when Dr. A said
it's time for a baby--- it will all be ok.

What is it about me?

He learned to put me first; it was my only request.
That's what puts him above all the rest.
But I don't understand why it's hard for others to see
that I do that for them; can't they do that for me?

When I stop and say that I thought of you today
it's because I did; for you I often pray.
Did you stop and think of me on this, God's day?
Tell me if you did because I need to know you think of me that way.

I don't ask much; just take some time for me
especially now; so many are backing away from me.
They don't know what to say or do
and all I need is a friend that is true.

"For better or for worse" are words for friends too
so I want to know where mine are! Few have been true.
I don't wear my grief outside but it's deep inside
and I would like to know if you'll stay by my side.


I love you dearly, my friends.

Fuego De Noche, Nieve De Dia

Sometimes songs resonate with what your soul is feeling;
the words are strung together and your mind starts reeling.
How could the artist know that they have struck a chord with you
and about you the words were spoken; every one true?

I haven't thought of you (that way) in a while because that part of me is dead.
But all of a sudden I realize how you must have felt
and what words I could have spoken to you to make you understand.
If only I could go back and reach out for your hand.

We've both moved on and are separated by many miles and years;
but the song made me pause and reflect; I've cried my share of tears.
The passion that we felt was our fire by night,
and by day we were cooled by our life; it was only right.

And so, dear friend, I wanted to pause and say...
I am glad we made it past those days and it's odd to think it was that way...
but I don't regret one single day of our relationship
because it led to this great friendship.

Gina

You called and asked for forgiveness, but you already have it.
The problem is I just don't have it in me to forget I have been abandoned.
Everyone seems to have forgotten that I am a grieving mother
and want me to move on; we're even trying to have another.

You are my sister, and by my side you should have been.
I can forgive your absence; I forgave you then.
But I can't forget that while I grieve I look around and only Joe I see.
Trust me, this is a very lonely place to be.

Friends have come, and some have gone. I try to understand
but the fact is only few have taken my outstretched hand.
My grief is a burden that not many have tried to undertake
so please forgive me if it seems as if you I have forsaken.

It's hard for me to wake up and put my feet on the floor
when I know it's his urn I'll see outside my door.
So please don't think that I have time to hate
because I don't; It's only for my end that I wait.

I will always love you and remember with so much joy
the memories of my big sister who I looked up and would even annoy
but right now I don't have what it takes to make you understand
that I can't deal with this; I've given it to His hands.

I need my friends

The calendar keeps moving up and I wish it would stop.
Pretty soon the date will be here and my heart is going to drop.
Who will be here to help me as I gasp for every breath
because I don't have a son to put upon my breast?

I'm trying to take it easy and take each day as it comes
but one more shower; one more announcement and I'll surely run.
I want to go away where no one has a round belly
and no one smiles because being fake is getting old already.

I need my friends to understand that mostly I'm ok
But sometimes I'm trapped in a box and can't get out (like today).
The summer's coming up and I should be about to burst
but instead I feel phantom kicks and they're really starting to hurt.

If I'm acting a little odd just simply say to me
"it's ok for you to feel the way you do"; "You're ok with me".
I'll smile my most sincere smile and want to hug you so
because those words are what I need to hear more than you can know.



I know some of you are awesome about reading up on this site. Please, pass the word around. I really need hugs, cyber or IRL. I'm doing ok, but the cycle's starting again, and I really need to know that you are by my side.

Love,
Me